The Unspeakable Horrors of Black Hat SEO

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Early last year, a monstrous, radioactive Panda crawled it’s way out of a dark pit hidden deep in the darkest jungle on earth. The world watched in horror as it traversed the globe leaving a wake of death and destruction the likes of which George Romero couldn’t even imagine.

The bloodshed was legendary and many fell victim to this merciless killer. The world mourned their dead. Some sang ballads in honor of those that were killed. Others told stories to pass on the legend of the panda massacre to their children and grandchildren.

Yet just as people began to recover from the heartache and loss of this world-wide disaster..

..terror struck once more

This time, a canister of mutagenic ooze had fallen off the back of a cargo freighter in the freezing arctic. It lay dormant for years until this spring when a cute, adorable penguin stumbled across it. In the classic Ninja Turtle fashion, it was transformed into a maniacal killing machine.

It migrated into the warmer parts of the world in much the same way the mutant panda had done, leaving a trail of death, destruction, and heartbreak.

It selected it’s victims seemingly at random, grabbing them, staring into their eyes as if to uncover the secrets of their souls and then either sparing them or disemboweling them.

We later learned that these overgrown monsters were created by the global Umbrella Google corporation intent on ridding the world of evil.

Those who had sought to manipulate the world’s economy in their self-interest (by purchasing favor rather than by creating business models that attracted favor) were slain without hesitation. Their rotting corpses were left in the sides of the street as an example to those who remained.

Remember children…

This multinational corporation did this out of benevolence. They acted only out of love, goodness and charity with our best interests at heart, not their own.

They have no interest in profits, stock prices, or any of those other lowly pursuits toward which lesser companies aspire. Their increased revenue from their Adwords platform was only a side effect of these massacres..

..not the reason for them.